Microsoft See also Computers, software, money, Bill Gates, pies

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five-dollar cars that get 1000 miles to the gallon." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by responding, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" And . . . 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

A day in the life of Macrosoft Hi. My name is Sherman. I work at Macrosoft. I read something lately that said Macrosoft was "the technological equivalent of a sweatshop" and it bothered me. I want to set the record straight so I decided to record what I do on a typical day at work. I hope this will clear things up. Thank you. 4:33 AM -- I woke up and put my pillow and blanket into the bottom drawer of my desk. Went down the hall for a double espresso but some idiot had turned the machine off. Had to settle for French Roast. Gordon stopped me on the way back to the office and asked if I would crack his back. He still hasn't gotten used to the floor. 4:38 AM -- Gordon's back cracked a little too loudly and he left for the hospital to get checked out. I am back at my desk checking my mail. Hmmm.... Wow! There's a note here about the planning meeting for our new product. They've decided to call it Industry '99 because it will do everything our other suite does plus put Federal Express, Charles Schwab, and Nabisco out of business. Kewl, dude! 4:41 AM -- Got another bloody nose. I don't believe that damned doctor. There is no way caffeine can cause this. Shit, out of Kleenex. Thank God for that medicine cabinet. 4:43 AM -- Just got back and am ready for work. Boy, they keep putting new stuff in that medicine cabinet. Vivarin! What will they think of next. A couple of those and that espresso machine can kiss my ass. 4:45 AM -- Started coding. These hidden functions are tough. I don't know how they expect me to stop someone's modem lights from blinking while we upload their life's history during registration. Hmm.... maybe a BIOS call to the serial driver. 5:01 AM -- Time for breakfast. Damned microwave. Even on defrost it still makes the cream squirt right out of the Twinkies. Well, at least old Gordon's not here. Yesterday he was so tweaked out on Jolt he set it on high and the damned things exploded. Boy was maintenance pissed off. Took em half an hour to scrape that shit off the inside of the oven. We will have a meeting on that one. 5:10 AM -- Ah, nothing like a good meal. Burned my tongue though. Shit, it hurts. Read the company newsletter while I was eating and it mentioned that the wife changed her mind again on the layout of the kitchen at Bill's new estate. Damn, at the rate they're going they'll move in on the same day he throws the switch and sends the ultimatum to Washington. Ooopps. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. That's a top secret project. Oh, well, now you know. 5:16 AM -- Went out to the Web with Exploder 7.0 Beta. Just installed it yesterday and it ate my hard drive. They aren't sure if that bug will be fixed. Too close to shipping. The plan is to blame it on Quicken if anyone calls support. PointCast is really hosed though and that pisses me off. Can't get my stock quotes. 5:22 AM -- Gordon called. Says they've got him in a back brace. Promised to say he slipped in the game room while playing Asteroids so he can get L&I. He sounded a little pissed though. Better not play basketball with him anytime soon. 5:28 AM -- Damned contractor called in. He says his father died. Guess I'll be testing today too. Oh well, I'll throw in a few extra-nasty bugs just for him to choke on next week. Damned guys are spoiled. They only work 60 hours a week and cry like babies. 5:37 AM -- Cutting more code. Damned DOA objects. Never do what you want. Stupid thing just grabbed one of my dirty jpegs and slammed it into the server in building 36. Assholes don't even give me delete rights. Damn. Better get over there and thrash it before the shit hits the fan. 6:13 AM -- Just got back. Shit, that was close. I had to practically sell my soul to get that picture deleted. Lucky for me that Bob had to go take a dump. Only problem was he had just started the backup, so I bumped into the tape to stop it and the frigging server went down. Oh well, he'll be so busy cleaning that shit up he won't have time to figure out what happened. 6:22 AM -- Gordon called back. His back is worse than they thought. He was leaving the hospital and had to go back. He told them he slipped on some dog shit that was out front and now they're worried he's going to sue them. They are admitting him for observation. 6:41 AM -- Jerry just got in. God, he's such a prick. His "Pammy" just walked him to his desk, as always, and played tickle the tonsils with him just for my benefit. Damned contractors and their girlfriends. Think I'll call H.R. and see if this is sexual harassment. 7:19 AM -- Got another call from Gordon. Apparently he has a ruptured disc and is going into emergency surgery. 7:32 AM -- Got a note about a special meeting. The loon that freaked out yesterday screwed up the source code and we're gonna have to re-do some stuff. Be back later. 9:17 AM -- Boy, what a ball breaker. That wacko really trashed the project. Apparently he checked out nearly all the modules and massacred half the code. They also mentioned that the backup was no good because that moron Bob screwed it up this morning. God smiles on me. 9:49 AM -- Finally got PointCast going and downloaded the news. There's another article about porno here at Macrosoft. Uh-oh, better do some clean up work. 10:13 AM -- Finished re-formatting my drive and am waiting for the system to finish loading. I took my zip drive down to the car and tucked it away in the trunk. 10:27 AM -- Ah, espresso at last. Just in time. I have a spec meeting in three minutes. 11:45 AM -- Another meeting from hell. I don't know why they call them specs. You never actually see them until the project is done and off to shipping. I am going to lunch. 12:12 PM -- Got lunch. Boy, this pizza is the best. I don't know what it is about the cheese though. Looks a little like a dried booger. They finally got Jolt on tap in the cafeteria. About damned time. 12:26 PM -- Finished lunch. Went to take a dump but the line was too long. Gotta hold it a while longer. Ran into Leslie in the hall and she told me I looked nice. Hmm... wonder what she wants. Reminds me. Better call H.R. about the "lip lizards". 1:03 PM -- Called H.R. and talked to Rebecca. She said I might have a case for sexual harassment if Pammy-baby was making any eye contact with me while they were face-fucking. Suppose I could lie. Bitch wants me anyway, I can tell. 1:27 PM -- Finally got to take a shit. Jeez, that was a fucking sequoia. Stuck up there any longer and they'd have to cut it in half and count the rings to tell how old it was. 1:41 PM -- Jerry just left, glaring like the prick he is. I think Rebecca just nabbed his ass. Ha! Bite my prong you moron. 1:48 PM -- Jeez, I was getting grumpy. Got a double latte. That should bring me down a little. Gordon's wife left a message on my machine saying that he is paralyzed from the neck down. They think it's permanent. Just hope the bastard can't talk either. I'm calling my lawyer. 2:16 PM -- Rebecca called back and has her titties in a tizzy. Seems Jerry the Fairy took Pammy Eats My Hammy down to her office and mentioned that little incident from last week. I told her it wasn't even close to a grope, more like a wedgie. Oh, well, something else for the lawyer. 2:29 PM -- Well gag me with a frigging spatula! Another new guy. Damned contractors. Make more money than us and have that innocent look. Bradford, huh. That's your name? Okay, you scrotum, the next virus will be named after you. 2:52 PM -- Whew. Went down to the car and took a shot of NyQuill. Man, I gotta come down a little. Call the lawyer. Call the lawyer. 3:20 PM -- Oh, Fuck! Damned lawyer called me! Gordon just croaked and the cops want to talk to me at five. Goddamned freaky bastard. What the hell did he think I was, a frigging chiropractor? 3:51 PM -- Damned nose is spewing blood like a fire hydrant. Be back in a minute. 4:16 PM -- Got the bleeding stopped but Janitorial is livid. They say the stain won't come out of the carpet but hell, it's already kind of red. 4:58 PM -- Just got handed a notice to appear before the harassment board on Monday. Fucking Jerry. I'll get him and that prissy-assed bitch. 5:22 PM -- Ah, dinner. At least the NyQuill is working a little. These pizza rolls are the greatest. Gotta get me some next month when I go to the store. 5:55 PM -- Cops showed up because I forgot to go see them. Damned Gestapo gave me the third degree. The lawyer was already here because Jerry filed a lawsuit and Gordon's wife is on her way over with a gun. 6:29 PM -- Man, what a day. Gordon's wife was caught in the parking lot but wouldn't leave until she was allowed to bitch me out. They took me downstairs and I faced her. Then all hell broke loose when her dog jumped out of their Jeep and attacked my groin. Bitch must have had him trained by some feminist group. Just stopped in to get my jacket before they take me over to the hospital. 8:51 PM -- Back at last. Damned dog did some damage. Five stitches and some rabies shots. I still don't know what the penicillin was all about. They didn't even have any real coffee there. Gotta go get a cup. 9:00 PM -- Cops just phoned. I have to be at the courthouse tomorrow morning for arraignment. They said I should bring my attorney. Ha, ha, joke's on them. We'll be there anyway dealing with Jerry and Pammy. 9:36 PM -- Got the virus finished and zapped it over to that new asshole's system. Have a nice breakfast, you dillweed. 9:58 PM -- Last code for the day. I finished the new voice help feature. This is gonna be cool. I fixed one section extra special. If you play it backwards it says "Pammy fucks the band". God, technology is great. 10:25 PM -- Talked to the lawyer. He said I should bring extra clothes tomorrow. 10:49 PM -- Shit! Circuit breaker in the kitchen went out. Nothing is working. Damn. There was only one Jolt left. Better make it last. 11:22 PM -- Couldn't find my porno mags. I think Jerry got them. God, court is going to be a bitch. Worse than last year. 11:43 PM -- Called mom. She said I didn't get any mail. No news is good news, I guess. She mentioned that my dog died last week. Asked if I would be home soon. 12:32 AM -- Well, I think the day is over. I am going to crash if I can find a bloodless spot on the floor. Gotta set the computer to wake me up early. Big day tomorrow. Goodnight. Any similarities between this and any real company are intentionally coincidental.

THIS MAY BE TRUE

Microsoft announced that it is selling advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression. "We estimate that throughout the world at any given moment several million people are getting a 'general protection fault' or 'illegal operation' warning. We will be able to generate significant revenue by including a short advertising message along with it," said Microsoft marketing director Nathan Mirror. The Justice Department immediately indicated that they intend to investigate whether Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in reaching the public with this advertising by virtue of its semi monopolistic control over error messages.

Microsoft Furniture September 21, 1999 (Seattle) -- Microsoft announced today that it will provide office furniture with its software. The next release of Windows, code named Naugahyde, will include the Microsoft Chair at no extra charge. "This is a natural for us," a Microsoft spokesperson said. "We've conquered the desktop, so we're looking at ways of expanding our installed base." The spokesperson denied accusations that bundling constitutes an unfair competitive advantage. "We're just listening to our customers. They've asked for more built in features, and who doesn't use a chair when they're at their computer? Especially when they're waiting for Windows to reboot." Beta testers noted its large footprint and found the chair to lack substantial features found in most of the competition. But when asked if they dislike it enough to purchase another vendor's furniture, most stated that they would just take what Microsoft had to offer. Also in the works is a small seat, dubbed the Microsoft Stool, soon to be bundled with laptops. Beta testers were surprised to find the backless chair at their doorsteps. "Then again, this isn't the first time we've received a shrink-wrapped stool sample from Microsoft," noted one customer

IF MICROSOFT WAS JEWISH 1. Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get "Ferklemmt". 2. When you fill up your "C-drive", you will get a "Hard Drive is Shtupped" message. 3. Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Draydles". 4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings. 5. CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression DVB's (digital video bagels). 6. Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting any younger!" button. 7. "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already - You're killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didn't hear that!". 8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's toukhes". 9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!". 10. During Passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened floppies". 11. "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz". 12. Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte of that". 13. When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should fix this?" message. 14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud Oy!!!". 15. A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the "schmootz" on your monitor. 16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Shloofie" 17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup. 18. Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Bingo"or "Mah-Jong." 19. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper right corner. 20. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours. 21. You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup. 22. "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues. 23. Bill Gates' official theme song would be "If I Were a Rich Man."