Two drunks are at the bar. The first guy says, "Let's have one more drink and then go find some broads." The other guy says, "Nah, I've got more than I can handle at home." The first guy says, "Then let's have one more drink and go to your place."

A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks "bloody hell what happened last night??". He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his gown. Again he thinks "what happened last night, what have I done? Must have been a wild party". He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "If there's a god, please let this be a teabag."

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. The police were dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene. However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl." The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit." So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me." Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance." So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" he asks. "She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants."