Some bars have the strangest rules when ya think about it. I mean, why do I have to wear a shirt and tie to go in a bar to see a topless dancer.

This guy is sitting at the end of the bar looking gloomy. His friend arrives and sits down beside him. "Why so glum, chum?" he asks his sad friend. "Oh, its my wife, she beats me at everything we compete at. Jogging, bowling, tennis, cards...just everything." The friend orders a beer and pauses to think. "I know," he exclaims, "Challenge her to a pissing contest." "A pissing contest?" "Surely you can out distance her on that...do it on the front lawn so you can see the difference." "Ok, I'll do it." So he goes home and says to his wife, "I challenge you to distance pissing contest. We'll meet on the front lawn after dark." So they each prepare themselves drinking lots of beverage prior to the contest. After dark they meet and the husband suggests the wife go first. So she drops her drawers and lets out with a modest shower. Hubby steps up, drops his drawers, and grabs his "equipment". His wife says, "Ah, no, dear. No hands allowed."

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They proceed to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints,and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!

BAR MENU A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager looking group of men. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile; "can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes" she purrs "I am." The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a rolling sea. He sloshes through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones. "Where the hell you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden." "Bullshit! There's no such place!" Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes, it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy who peed in your saxophone!"

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life buddy?" The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time me and the misses have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating." The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago." The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that." The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?" The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the starter pistol, just like you said." The first guy says, "So what happened?" The other guy says, "She bit my cock, shit in my face, and a man came out of the closet with his hands up!"

This guy walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and asks for a rum and coke. The bartender puts an apple on the table. The guy looks at it and repeats, "I said I want a rum and coke". The bartender says "just try the apple." So the guy bites into the apple and replies, "wow this taste like rum." The bartender tells him to turn it around. He bites in again and replies, "wow it taste like coke." A minute later another guy walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic. The bartender puts an apple on the table. This guy, just as confused as the first, explains that he wants a gin and tonic. The guy next to him urges him to try it. So the guy bites into it and says "wow it taste like gin." The guy tells him to turn it around. He bites in it again and replies "wow it taste like tonic." Later that night another guy walks in a joins the two guys at the bar. The guys are so excited about these apples that they tell the guy that the bartender has an apple for which ever taste you want. So the guy asks for an apple that taste like pussy. The bartender puts the apple on the table. The guy bites into it and says, "this taste like SHIT!!!" The bartender replies "turn it around!"

This man goes to a bar with his dog. The guy goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" the guy doesn't miss a beat, "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man," the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a poodle. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog" The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have poodle as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "WHAT?!?! They gave me a poodle?!?"

One night, the waitress in a bar was a bit unsettled that a strange looking man who sat quietly drinking at the bar always seemed to be looking at her intently. Finally, he got up enough nerve to speak to her. "You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I do hope you don't mind my looking at you." She told him she would rather he didn't look so hard and that she didn't consider herself that special. "Well, you see I am from a far away planet, sent here to observe some things here and I have to go back tonight. So you see, I really haven't seen anyone like you before. Please just let me look." So she said ok, although she thought he was a little nuts. He did mind his manners, didn't get drunk, and just sat quietly looking. When it was time to close the bar, he prepared to leave, then walked back to the waitress. "I know this is strange, but would you please let me see your tits? I've never seen anything like this and it would mean so very much to me if I could go home and tell the guys all about you." Since everyone but the owner had left and he was in the back room, she finally gave in and unbuttoned her blouse and pulled her tits out of her bra. "Oh my goodness, that is wonderful! Thank you! Thank you! You don't know how much this means to me!" When she started to gather her clothes around her again, he asked shyly, "Please, please, let me just touch your tits. It would mean so much to me to be able to tell all the guys about how wonderful you are." After a little consideration, she allowed him to touch. He was very gentle and she was beginning to get stirred up by this alien. Then he asked her if she would allow him to make love to her. Since she was beginning to fancy that notion, she agreed right away. To her surprise, however, he placed his right forefinger in the middle of her forehead quite firmly. As he did so, she could see the passion on his face and he called out, "Aah, ahh, aaaahhhhh." Then he took his finger from her forehead. Astonished, she asked him if he'd like to do it again. Looking at his curled up forefinger, he replied, "Yes, but I'll have to wait a little while."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes,he starts dialing numbers... like a telephone...but on the back of his hand. He then flips his hand over, and starts talking into the palm of his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos here. The guysays, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says"Prove it!", so the guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender, "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah",said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker,mywife, you name it.By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst, given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. The guy is spread-eagle against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt."Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy casually turns around, and says: "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."