"Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired."

"If tomorrow never comes, then, you're dead."

Being healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it. While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?" The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone!"

A man went to the doctor for a physical because he hadn't been feeling well. A few days later, the doctor called and spoke with the wife. "Before I talk with your husband about his condition, I wanted to speak with you. Your husband is a very sick man, but he does have a good chance to live many more years if his diet is kept very bland - no salt, no spices, nothing rich or fatty." The wife said, "Of course, doctor, I'd be glad to cook whatever I need to cook for him any way it needs to be prepared." The doctor said, "That' good, because there's one other thing that will assure his longevity. Under no circumstances must he be upset. That means no arguments, no disagreements, no nagging. Whatever he wants, you must agree to, because to upset him would run the serious risk of endangering his health and his life. Do you understand?" The wife replied very soberly, "Yes. I understand. Thank you, doctor." Her husband walked in as she hung up the phone, and having heard her last statement asked, "What did the doctor have to say?" She looked at her husband, walked over to him, kissed him gently on the cheek, and lovingly snuggled her head against his chest as she held him firmly. "I'm sorry, dear," she said softly, "he says you're going to die."