Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?

MENstruation

MENopause

MENtal breakdown

GUYnecology

HIMmorrhoids

Advice From Men To Women Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it. Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one. Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials. Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment. Please don't drive when you're not driving. Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline. The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference! When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine. What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view. When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?' It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly. When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary. When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself. The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it. SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!

Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.

Why do men like women in leather? Because they smell like new cars.

IF MEN RULED THE WORLD

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your

call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response

To "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd

appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice

hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of

your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your

window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car

like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned

helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public

ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your

wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur

in leap years. (Wouldn't help -- you STILL wouldn't remember!)

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off.

Mother's Day, too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would

be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the

pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night

Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you

returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded

with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"

You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."

Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.