One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how is day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked "what happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?" "Yes, was his reply." She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"

A Husband is a man who:

-gave up privileges he never knew he had.

-is spouse-broken.

-lost his liberty in pursuit of happiness.

-made a wrong turn in lovers' lane.

A Wife is a woman who:

-can dish it out but can't cook it.

-dresses to kill and cooks the same way.

-has a made-up face, serves heated-up dinners, charges-up bills, and has a fed-up husband.

-is a dish-jockey.

-is a husband's bitter half.

-sticks with her husband through all the troubles he would never have had if he hadn't married her in the first place.

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, "Here is a great sale on tires!" His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have a car." He came back with, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra!"

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?" "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"

W.I.F.E. Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG." Another guy says, "What's that? "The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy." Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK. A girl asks, "What's that?" He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids." A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE." Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?" She says, "That means, Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said, "you must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

I asked my wife to suggest an exciting new place we could go and she led me to the bedroom.

TO MY DEAR WIFE

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed often.

1. The sheets are clean 54 times

2. It is too late 17 times

3. Too tired from shopping all day 49 times

4. It is too early 20 times

5. It is too hot 15 times

6. Pretending to be asleep 15 times

7. The neighbors will hear us 3 times

8. Headache 22 times

9. Sunburn 7 times

10. Your Mother will hear us 9 times

11. Not in the mood 43 times

12. You will wake the baby 17 times

13. Watching the late show 6 times

14. New Hairdo 5 times 15. Too sore 16 times

16. Wrong time of month 36 times

17. Have to get up early 19 times

Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory. Two times you just laid there. Four times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling. Three times you told me to hurry up and get it over with. Two times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND,

I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get it more often than you did. 1. Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat 15 times

2. Did not come home at all 36 times

3. Did not come 21 times

4. Came too soon 33 times

5. Went soft before you got it in 33 times

6. Toes cramped 10 times

7. Working too late 38 times

8. Have to get up early to play golf 29 times

9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 2 times

10. Caught Herman in your zipper 4 times

11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running 3 times

12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee 3 times

13. You had a splinter in your finger 2 times

14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book 16 times

15. Watching football on TV 98 times

16. Hemorrhoids flared up 10 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!!

A husband is a man who wishes he had as much fun when he goes on business trips as his wife thinks he does.

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."